Inseminoid (UK: NEL, 1981)
Tagline: "A far from human birth..."
Since I haven't taken a look at a good grade-Z novelization lately, I thought it
was time and what better than Inseminoid? This was one of those sleazy
British horror flicks pumped out by Norman J. Warren back in the 1970's and
'80's, most of which were just excuses for blatant gore that teetered on the
edge of soft-core porn. In the United States this movie was called Horror
Planet, which is a nice name, but I have no idea why they changed the title
when Inseminoid might just be the finest title of a science-fiction horror film
ever. Period. There's no sense in tip-toeing around the fact that this one was
a rip-off of Ridley Scott's Alien and not a particularly good one, but that
doesn't mean the movie wasn't fun. Anything as absolutely ludicrous as
Tagline: "A far from human birth..."
Since I haven't taken a look at a good grade-Z novelization lately, I thought it
was time and what better than Inseminoid? This was one of those sleazy
British horror flicks pumped out by Norman J. Warren back in the 1970's and
'80's, most of which were just excuses for blatant gore that teetered on the
edge of soft-core porn. In the United States this movie was called Horror
Planet, which is a nice name, but I have no idea why they changed the title
when Inseminoid might just be the finest title of a science-fiction horror film
ever. Period. There's no sense in tip-toeing around the fact that this one was
a rip-off of Ridley Scott's Alien and not a particularly good one, but that
doesn't mean the movie wasn't fun. Anything as absolutely ludicrous as
Inseminoid just has to be fun in some way, now doesn't it? But let's forget for a moment there was such
a movie and we'll pretend that this novel is just a novel and that the author, Larry Miller, wasn't such an
insufferably bad hack.
Our story opens on an alien world as a crew of men and women touch down and inhabit a formerly
abandoned compound. Out exploring some caves, there is a rock slide and they find the sealed tomb of
an ugly alien creature and bring it back to the compound for examination. Even though they have made
an incredible find, most of the characters seem preoccupied by thoughts of sex. And it's no wonder.
See the space service has certain protocol and by-laws. One of these is called Mate-Rotation. An equal
number of men and women always fill out any crew and they are on a sexual rotation basis, meaning
that they switch partners every so often so everyone gets enough variety. You don't have to have sex
with your rotational partner, but you better not have sex with anyone else's either. Sorry, company
rules. This is the background of our novel. As one of our characters, Ricky, a sophisticated intellectual
muses to himself:
"If he'd been asked why he'd become a space archaeologist, sex would have come first on the list,
adventure second and scientific motivation a lowly third."
Anyway, the alien is in the lab. Its glass-like coffin dissolves for unknown reasons and releases a foul
stench as Dr. Karl examines it. Sandy is his assistant. Sandy is on a sex rotation with Dr. Karl and she's
glad of it because Dr. Karl loves blondes with big breasts. Ricky, hurt in the rockslide, is in the lab, too.
Sandy examines him. And even though she's hot for Dr. Karl and is a dedicated medical professional,
she finds herself lusting after Ricky's body:
"Sandy found herself admiring his bulging forearms and solid thighs. Not to mention a certain other
bulging part of his anatomy."
Meanwhile, back to the alien monster. Sandy is certain she saw it move. But neither Dr. Karl or Holly,
the compound commander, believes her. Which makes Sandy fly into a feminine huff. But she recovers.
Ricky, back in his cabin, is overwhelmed by an alien force. He attacks Dr. Karl but Sandy, ever the
quick thinker, karate chops him in the balls. He begins to bleed. He rushes out of the compound where
he cannot breathe but somehow does. Gail goes after him, but Ricky tricks her and her leg is caught in
the airlock. As he advances on her and the crew watches in helpless horror over the video screen (but
for reasons unknown cannot help her), she uses her laser and burns her foot off. Unfortunately, her
thermo unit stopped working and she instantly froze to death. But she got the airlock closed. Ricky then
runs into Kate who wisely burns him with her laser. But it leaves her in a very shaky emotional state. It
was hard for her to kill Ricky because not only were they friends but they were on sexual rotation
together. Kate turns to Commander Holly for support. In the privacy of Holly's cabin, wearing filmy
nighties:
"Holly moved close to Kate, their legs were pressed against each other. From above, the reading
lamp shone down through their nightclothes revealing contrasting bodies. Kate was taller, her breasts
and hips smaller. Holly was muscular and buxom with nicely shaped round hips."
Kate is upset and Holly tells her she has to toughen up, hide her feelings. That's life in the space service
and she better damned well get used to it. But Holly isn't a machine and she admits her inner tender
feelings:
"It's impossible to block out all emotion (she said). All human emotion. I know it has no place on
intergalactic missions like this but hell, you spend two, maybe three months fucking a guy. You get to
like it and you get to like him. Then it's time to rotate and you're landed with someone you can't stand
and he's balling you're best friend."
"I'm glad you understand. I really am. (sez Kate)"
And Holly does understand. She holds Kate. But somehow, their shirts fell open and their breasts
touched. So Holly keeps comforting Kate in a hot lesbo action scene.
Meanwhile...what the hell was this book about? Oh, the alien monster. Right. Back in the lab, both
Sandy and Dr. Karl see the creature move. It's alive! Strapped down to a table, it seems agitated. Like
Lassie, it's trying to tell them something. Sandy, her scientific and analytical mind quickly ascertaining
the problem, says:
"Maybe it wants some breakfast."
Eureka! The alien monster, poor little thing, is hungry. They give it some breakfast sausage, then raw
steaks, eggs, loaves of bread, and finally a frozen chicken. Mr. Alien Monster perks right up. Even
though the monster is active, Dr. Karl decides to go take a nap in his cabin and leaves Sandy to clean
up the mess in the lab. Sandy, ever the obedient large-breasted research scientist, is more than happy
with this task. Cleaning up, she accidentally spills a chemical on her lab coat so she does the only
reasonable thing and strips down to her bra and panties, parading her junk in front of the monster who
begins to get excited. Since the monster is strapped down and quite harmless as such, Sandy decides
to augment her research by bending over the creature and putting her love-melons pretty much right in
the beast's face. And as she does so, she inspects its weird alien penis:
"A pair of foot-long rods joined at the crotch were covered with a slick foreskin that continually rolled
forward and back."
Sandy knows she is imagining things, but it seems as if the creature is becoming sexually aroused:
"Its head was only inches from her large breasts. It had once again become agitated, straining at the
straps..."
Enough scientific pursuits for one day, Sandy turns off the lights and prepares to leave the lab and as
she does so, the alien monster breaks free! It jumps on her! It holds her down! It forces her legs apart
with its lobster claw hands and:
"With unrestrained fervour the creature inserted one of its sexual organs into her womanhood,
pushing the long thin member deeper and deeper, ejaculating into her. Then the second organ
penetrated and ejaculated in the same way.
The creature rose from her body, a body now covered in greasy yellow saliva. The fluid was on
Sandy's face, her breasts and it ran down her thighs."
Such is the fate of Sandy. All she wanted to do was clean up the lab and continue with her scientific
work and look what happened. There are those who might say she was asking for it, that she was a
tease, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, by this point we're not even half way through the novel.
Basically what happens next is that Sandy goes a little alien and gives birth to a set of nasty twins (two
penises, two children, right?). Awful things happen. So awful that the crew members must "comfort"
each other a great deal.
Now, of course, we all know the plot to Ridley Scott's classic Alien: the mining ship Nostromo visits a
bleak, spooky planetoid and discovers the remains of a weird biomechanical alien culture. They find
eggs and this thing jumps out of one of the eggs and grafts itself to one of the astronaut's faces. This
being the ultra-cool Facehugger which falls off and the Chestburster larva bursts free, gets into the
ventilation system, and becomes our predatory monster. But what if you wanted to rip Alien off and
cash-in on it and you didn't want to spend a lot of money? What if you wanted to replace the grim
forbidding atmosphere with, say, lots of T & A? Then you would, like Norman J. Warren, make
Inseminoid. You'd get some actresses who didn't mind taking it off, borrow a set from a 1950's
B-movie, swipe some costumes from Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, and present the world with a
touching story of motherhood about a woman who is raped by an alien monster and gives birth to a
collection of crawly alien spawn. That woman would be Sandy, of course, she of the blonde hair and
large firm breasts...Larry Miller likes to remind us continually of Sandy's joyous globes of delight. If you
read this book, long will you remember them.
Pros: Gimme a minute...there's gotta be something. Oh, the title is pretty cool.
Cons: Is this a bad book? Dear God, it's atrocious. Larry Miller is a terrible writer. The plot makes no
sense. The characters behave irrationally. The alien is your typical rubber monster with a zipper up the
back...save its menacing extraterrestrial penis, that is. The movie is crap, the book is crap.
Overall: By this point you're probably assuming that I'm not recommending this one. And I'm not...unless
you need a good laugh. Because this book is hilarious! Buy it. Read it. Revel in the sheer badness of it.
It may be one of the funniest things you'll ever read (and don't forget about Sandy's breasts, because
Larry Miller never did...I think he was typing with one hand).
Two Bloody Skulls out of Five for sheer gross ineptitude.
Next month's Guilty Pleasure:
"A winged terror which flies by night--feeding on death and destruction."
a movie and we'll pretend that this novel is just a novel and that the author, Larry Miller, wasn't such an
insufferably bad hack.
Our story opens on an alien world as a crew of men and women touch down and inhabit a formerly
abandoned compound. Out exploring some caves, there is a rock slide and they find the sealed tomb of
an ugly alien creature and bring it back to the compound for examination. Even though they have made
an incredible find, most of the characters seem preoccupied by thoughts of sex. And it's no wonder.
See the space service has certain protocol and by-laws. One of these is called Mate-Rotation. An equal
number of men and women always fill out any crew and they are on a sexual rotation basis, meaning
that they switch partners every so often so everyone gets enough variety. You don't have to have sex
with your rotational partner, but you better not have sex with anyone else's either. Sorry, company
rules. This is the background of our novel. As one of our characters, Ricky, a sophisticated intellectual
muses to himself:
"If he'd been asked why he'd become a space archaeologist, sex would have come first on the list,
adventure second and scientific motivation a lowly third."
Anyway, the alien is in the lab. Its glass-like coffin dissolves for unknown reasons and releases a foul
stench as Dr. Karl examines it. Sandy is his assistant. Sandy is on a sex rotation with Dr. Karl and she's
glad of it because Dr. Karl loves blondes with big breasts. Ricky, hurt in the rockslide, is in the lab, too.
Sandy examines him. And even though she's hot for Dr. Karl and is a dedicated medical professional,
she finds herself lusting after Ricky's body:
"Sandy found herself admiring his bulging forearms and solid thighs. Not to mention a certain other
bulging part of his anatomy."
Meanwhile, back to the alien monster. Sandy is certain she saw it move. But neither Dr. Karl or Holly,
the compound commander, believes her. Which makes Sandy fly into a feminine huff. But she recovers.
Ricky, back in his cabin, is overwhelmed by an alien force. He attacks Dr. Karl but Sandy, ever the
quick thinker, karate chops him in the balls. He begins to bleed. He rushes out of the compound where
he cannot breathe but somehow does. Gail goes after him, but Ricky tricks her and her leg is caught in
the airlock. As he advances on her and the crew watches in helpless horror over the video screen (but
for reasons unknown cannot help her), she uses her laser and burns her foot off. Unfortunately, her
thermo unit stopped working and she instantly froze to death. But she got the airlock closed. Ricky then
runs into Kate who wisely burns him with her laser. But it leaves her in a very shaky emotional state. It
was hard for her to kill Ricky because not only were they friends but they were on sexual rotation
together. Kate turns to Commander Holly for support. In the privacy of Holly's cabin, wearing filmy
nighties:
"Holly moved close to Kate, their legs were pressed against each other. From above, the reading
lamp shone down through their nightclothes revealing contrasting bodies. Kate was taller, her breasts
and hips smaller. Holly was muscular and buxom with nicely shaped round hips."
Kate is upset and Holly tells her she has to toughen up, hide her feelings. That's life in the space service
and she better damned well get used to it. But Holly isn't a machine and she admits her inner tender
feelings:
"It's impossible to block out all emotion (she said). All human emotion. I know it has no place on
intergalactic missions like this but hell, you spend two, maybe three months fucking a guy. You get to
like it and you get to like him. Then it's time to rotate and you're landed with someone you can't stand
and he's balling you're best friend."
"I'm glad you understand. I really am. (sez Kate)"
And Holly does understand. She holds Kate. But somehow, their shirts fell open and their breasts
touched. So Holly keeps comforting Kate in a hot lesbo action scene.
Meanwhile...what the hell was this book about? Oh, the alien monster. Right. Back in the lab, both
Sandy and Dr. Karl see the creature move. It's alive! Strapped down to a table, it seems agitated. Like
Lassie, it's trying to tell them something. Sandy, her scientific and analytical mind quickly ascertaining
the problem, says:
"Maybe it wants some breakfast."
Eureka! The alien monster, poor little thing, is hungry. They give it some breakfast sausage, then raw
steaks, eggs, loaves of bread, and finally a frozen chicken. Mr. Alien Monster perks right up. Even
though the monster is active, Dr. Karl decides to go take a nap in his cabin and leaves Sandy to clean
up the mess in the lab. Sandy, ever the obedient large-breasted research scientist, is more than happy
with this task. Cleaning up, she accidentally spills a chemical on her lab coat so she does the only
reasonable thing and strips down to her bra and panties, parading her junk in front of the monster who
begins to get excited. Since the monster is strapped down and quite harmless as such, Sandy decides
to augment her research by bending over the creature and putting her love-melons pretty much right in
the beast's face. And as she does so, she inspects its weird alien penis:
"A pair of foot-long rods joined at the crotch were covered with a slick foreskin that continually rolled
forward and back."
Sandy knows she is imagining things, but it seems as if the creature is becoming sexually aroused:
"Its head was only inches from her large breasts. It had once again become agitated, straining at the
straps..."
Enough scientific pursuits for one day, Sandy turns off the lights and prepares to leave the lab and as
she does so, the alien monster breaks free! It jumps on her! It holds her down! It forces her legs apart
with its lobster claw hands and:
"With unrestrained fervour the creature inserted one of its sexual organs into her womanhood,
pushing the long thin member deeper and deeper, ejaculating into her. Then the second organ
penetrated and ejaculated in the same way.
The creature rose from her body, a body now covered in greasy yellow saliva. The fluid was on
Sandy's face, her breasts and it ran down her thighs."
Such is the fate of Sandy. All she wanted to do was clean up the lab and continue with her scientific
work and look what happened. There are those who might say she was asking for it, that she was a
tease, but I'm not one of them. Anyway, by this point we're not even half way through the novel.
Basically what happens next is that Sandy goes a little alien and gives birth to a set of nasty twins (two
penises, two children, right?). Awful things happen. So awful that the crew members must "comfort"
each other a great deal.
Now, of course, we all know the plot to Ridley Scott's classic Alien: the mining ship Nostromo visits a
bleak, spooky planetoid and discovers the remains of a weird biomechanical alien culture. They find
eggs and this thing jumps out of one of the eggs and grafts itself to one of the astronaut's faces. This
being the ultra-cool Facehugger which falls off and the Chestburster larva bursts free, gets into the
ventilation system, and becomes our predatory monster. But what if you wanted to rip Alien off and
cash-in on it and you didn't want to spend a lot of money? What if you wanted to replace the grim
forbidding atmosphere with, say, lots of T & A? Then you would, like Norman J. Warren, make
Inseminoid. You'd get some actresses who didn't mind taking it off, borrow a set from a 1950's
B-movie, swipe some costumes from Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, and present the world with a
touching story of motherhood about a woman who is raped by an alien monster and gives birth to a
collection of crawly alien spawn. That woman would be Sandy, of course, she of the blonde hair and
large firm breasts...Larry Miller likes to remind us continually of Sandy's joyous globes of delight. If you
read this book, long will you remember them.
Pros: Gimme a minute...there's gotta be something. Oh, the title is pretty cool.
Cons: Is this a bad book? Dear God, it's atrocious. Larry Miller is a terrible writer. The plot makes no
sense. The characters behave irrationally. The alien is your typical rubber monster with a zipper up the
back...save its menacing extraterrestrial penis, that is. The movie is crap, the book is crap.
Overall: By this point you're probably assuming that I'm not recommending this one. And I'm not...unless
you need a good laugh. Because this book is hilarious! Buy it. Read it. Revel in the sheer badness of it.
It may be one of the funniest things you'll ever read (and don't forget about Sandy's breasts, because
Larry Miller never did...I think he was typing with one hand).
Two Bloody Skulls out of Five for sheer gross ineptitude.
Next month's Guilty Pleasure:
"A winged terror which flies by night--feeding on death and destruction."